Part 23

Epilogue

But wait! There's more! The story keeps going for a chapter-length epilogue. However, all that really happens is that Bella goes to the prom.

All right, there's more to it than that. Bella gets all dressed up for a special occasion, but she doesn't know what that occasion is. Alice makes Bella pretty all day at the Cullen house, and then a tuxedo-clad Edward escorts her to the mystery event. The fact that Bella can't figure out that they're going to prom further proves my brain tumor theory. Poor girl.

One of the reasons Bella doesn't suspect she's going to the prom is that deep down, she was hoping the fancy clothes were part of a vampire ritual that would transform her from a human into a Pretty Night Thing That Bites. So when she finds out that Edward is taking her to a lousy prom, she's disappointed, to say the least. It's like hoping to go to Space Camp, but ending up at Dirt Camp instead.

On the way, Edward receives a phone call from Charlie. It turns out that Tyler has shown up at Bella's house to take her to prom. Charlie puts Tyler on the phone and Edward kindly tells him that Bella is busy tonight and will be busy forever, so Tyler should back off. Presumably, Tyler breaks down crying and Charlie gives him the "There are plenty of other fish in the sea" speech. Then the two bond over a game of Clue. It's the greatest night of Tyler's life.

Bella is really mad at the thought of going to the prom. Her usually clumsiness has been magnified by the cast on her leg, so dancing is out of the question. But the ever-cool Edward says it will be fine and reminds her that Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie are all going to the prom as well.

It hasn't been mentioned in the book (or it was discussed and I don't remember it?), but why do the vampires go to high school? I understand that they want to blend in with society, but at school, they just hang out with each other and stare at the humans. They're not really fitting in at all. Maybe along with blood, vampires need regular doses of Social Studies and morning announcements to survive. Or perhaps they love the smell of those old paperback books on the metal shelf in the English room, the ones that have those hard, Perma-Bound covers that feel like plastic mixed with glue.

Bella is glad that the other vamps will be there, although things are still icy between her and Rosalie. They arrive at the school gym, and Edward gets their tickets. They walk in and see that Emmett and Rosalie are dancing elegantly, as are Jasper and Alice; everyone has formed a circle around the four vampires. Again, they're hardly inconspicuous. A better way to fit in at prom would be to let the women fast dance together, while the guys hang out along the wall telling each other that their date is just a friend. (Even though they all hope it's more than that.)

The vampires look even more amazing dressed up in fancy clothes, and since they've had decades to practice, their dance moves are top notch. Edward wants to dance, but Bella freaks out because she's clumsy and has only one good leg. He lifts her up and takes the lead. Bella loves this. But then Jacob "Dog Dude" Black shows up.

Edward stares him down, reads his mind, and tells Bella that Jacob came to talk to her. Bella tells Edward to be nice as Jacob approaches. Jake asks to cut in, and Edward lets him. Bella says that Jacob had a growth spurt since the last time she saw him, and now he's over six feet tall. (But this may be a joke that I didn't understand. I'm really confused on the timeline of this story.)

Jacob can't (or doesn't) hoist Bella up, so their dancing consists of rocking back and forth. He then comes clean, and says that his dad paid him $20 to come to the prom to talk to Bella. His dad thinks this is the only safe environment for a conversation, because his dad has never heard of a telephone.

Jacob is reluctant to broach the topic, but finally tells Bella that his dad thinks Edward was responsible for her accident in Phoenix. Though she promised not to get angry at anything Jacob said, she's a little ticked off by the accusation.

He acts nervous and says there's more to the message. After some prying, he finally says that his dad wanted him to tell Bella, "We'll be watching." Are all monsters lecherous old men? Despite the fact that I'm not a teenage girl, after reading that, I got grossed out and quickly put on a robe and snow pants, and I recommend you do the same. You never know who's trying to sneak a peek.

With Edward constantly stalking, and now an entire werewolf clan peeping, how's a girl ever suppose to let loose in her bedroom and dance to pop songs in her undies? (Girls do that, right?)

Bella isn't mad at Jacob, and the two have a slightly flirty moment when they lock eyes. He asks for another dance, but Edward swoops in, and Jacob leaves. Edward and Bella dance around the gym and head for the back door. She notices her other classmates, but doesn't mention Eric, who I'm worried about. Maybe Eric is at Charlie's house playing Clue with Tyler.

Edward and Bella leave the gym and head for a bench outside. Edward says it's twilight, and that everything has an ending. He says he took Bella to the prom because he wants her to enjoy normal, human things. She then confesses that she thought they were going to a vampire ritual tonight, instead of a boring school function.

Edward is confused by this, and says that transforming a human into a vamp is not a dressy event. (It's probably more of a pool party situation.) Bella says she's ready to become a vampire. His face approaches her neck, and he asks if she's really ready. She says she is, and at the last moment, Edward pulls away, teasing her.

He says he can't do it. But Bella insists that becoming a vampire is what she wants. She says she loves him more than anything in the world, and Edward kisses her neck. The End.

Final Thoughts: The book isn't bad, and it isn't good. Despite what you may think, I didn't hate the story. It just seems very derivative of every other romance/vampire tale out there. I'm shocked that of all the books in the world, this series has connected with people and become a phenomenon. After hearing the hype about Harry Potter, I read the series a few years ago and thought it was really good, especially in the later books, when the stories stopped being Scooby-Doo mysteries.

But Twilight failed to impress. Part of the reason is the total lack of humor or fun. The author gave these characters remarkable abilities and then made them complain about it for 400 pages (the baseball scene being the one exception). I enjoyed the little bits of vampire and werewolf lore, but thought there should have been more. I liked Emmett and Alice, and Jacob showed real promise as a likeable character. But I never cared about Bella or Edward.

Also, there is nothing scary in this book. I wasn't expecting a bloodfest, but if the story is about vampires, there should be at least a few frights. James was moderately spooky, but I never really believed his motivations. Plus he didn't really pose much of a threat. I've seen episodes of The Price is Right that were more tense than Twilight's most harrowing chapters. (Tell me you never watched a game of Plinko on the edge of your seat, and don't even get me started on that nerve-racking mountain climber.)

The good news is that with all the character introductions handled in the first book, the next books have the potential to be more interesting. The bad news is that from what I've heard and read in the comments, this is considered the best book in the series.

Predictions for New Moon:

The moon is blown up after an epic battle between the vampires and the werewolves. Suddenly, when faced with erratic ocean tides, the two enemies join forces to build a new moon out of friendship and sticky rocks. (Hence the title.) Meanwhile:

Bella finally becomes a vampire, but then whines to Jacob that she really wants to be werewolf. Jacob turns her into a werewolf, but then she realizes she wants to be a mummy instead. And after becoming a mummy, she decides she'd rather be a ghost. Then, after becoming a ghost, she demands to be transformed into a goblin. Then she becomes a gnome, a giant spider, a robot, an alien, a living skeleton, a sea hag, and finally some sort of gorilla/tiger thing with wings.

Edward will become infatuated with a new girl who comes to Forks. She is twice as clumsy as Bella (she's blind and wears roller skates) and smells just like Bella but with a hint of lemon. Bella doesn't even stand a chance.

Esme will suddenly realize, around page 300, that e-vamp Victoria is still out there.

Carlisle will create a plan to catch Victoria that involves going into hiding for eighty years.

Jasper will hang out in the background.

Alice will predict the future, but will it be too late? (No, it won't.)

Rosalie will not say a single word in the entire novel.

Charlie will be boring.

Renee will open up a Twitter account and talk frankly about her relationship with Phil, much to the embarrassment of Bella.

Jacob will grow to be 12 feet tall.

Emmett will keep it real, because that's how he rolls.

And none of my burning questions will ever be answered.

Part 22

Chapter Twenty-Four

Bella wakes up in a hospital room with her hands connected to tubes. Edward is in the room with her. She quickly apologizes for everything. He tells her to chill out, and she asks what happened. He says he arrived at the ballet studio in time to save her from the vicious James. Since we didn't get to see the fight, Edward could be lying just to get attention, like that kid at the park who said he could whirl all the way around the swing set, but only when no one was looking. Sure, when I closed my eyes I heard the swing move, but part of me thinks that kid was just pulling my leg. So maybe Edward didn't save Bella at all, and the evil James just died of a heart attack or vampire polio.

Bella is still frazzled and is worried about her mom. Edward says her mom is safe and is there at the hospital. He lied to Bella's parents, telling them her injuries were the result of a nasty fall down some stairs. She's in bad shape, and had lost a lot of blood. She needed transfusions, which Edward says made her smell wrong to him. But now she's back to smelling Bella-mazing.

With the huge popularity of Twilight, I'm surprised that a perfume company hasn't released a Bella-scented fragrance to help girls attract moody creeps. The perfume could be called "Bella in a Bottle," "Stinky Swan," or "Rainbow Kitten Pudding Puppy." (The last name practically sells itself.)

Bella asks what happened to James, and Edward simply says Emmett and Jasper took care of him. You already know how I feel about being denied a cool vampire battle, so I won't get into it again. But, Stephenie Meyer, if I ever see you, you owe me a vampire battle. And it better be awesome. None of this "the true battle was within himself" crap.

According to Edward, after "taking care of" James in the ballet studio, Emmett and Jasper left Bella alone with Edward, Carlisle, and Alice because she was bleeding too much and Emmett and Jasper wouldn't be able to control themselves. Or they left because Bella, who can be annoying when healthy, is probably unbearable when she actually has something to cry about.

Bella then asks if Alice found out that James was (kind of) the reason she became a vampire, and Edward says that Alice understands. Huh? I'm convinced Alice's convoluted back story was thrown in at the last minute. It seems very tacked-on and random, as if the author promised a dying relative that in her first novel she would tangentially connect two background characters in a confusing way. If that's the case, job well done, Ms. Meyer.

Edward explains the lie he's been feeding her parents. The story goes that he came down to Phoenix to convince Bella to come back to Forks. Everyone believes that, but in the real world, Bella would be questioned by police and social workers, because "falling down the stairs" in the vicinity of a boyfriend you just broke up with is mighty suspicious.

Edward goes in for a kiss and Bella's heart rate monitor beeps frantically. And then the monitor stops beeping, as if Bella's heart had ceased pumping. This is very romantic and passionate, but unhealthy as well. To be safe, they should stick to Eskimo kisses, which instead of stopping her heart would probably just give Bella an upset tummy, heartburn, and an itchy nose.

Then Edward senses that Bella's mom, Renee, is coming to the room, and he pretends to nap in the nearby chair. Bella and her mom talk. It turns out that Phil got a job in Florida, and Bella's mom is anxious for Bella to move to Jacksonville. But there's no way that Bella will leave Forks. Why would she leave behind dreamy Edward and the impressively lax attendance policy at Forks High School?

Bella's mom thinks Edward is in love with Bella, and Bella says she's crazy about him. Then Renee leaves, but not before saying that the ballet studio had burned down. Edward perks back up and asks why Bella doesn't want to go to Florida. She says he can't go to Florida, because he would be stuck inside all day. (By the way, how is he chilling in the Phoenix hospital without sparkling up a storm? Eh, I don't even care anymore.)

Edward says he would stay in Forks, or someplace else far away from Bella, because being with her is too dangerous. There's some busy work with the nurse and pain medicine, and by the time the nurse is gone, Edward changes his mind and says he will never leave Bella. A lot of this conversation is hard to follow. This may have less to do with Meyer's inability to write straightforward dialogue, and more to do with the fact that I'm really close to finishing this book and am somewhat racing towards the end.

Bella asks why she can't become a vampire too, since it worked out for Alice. Edward gets angry, not at Bella, but at Alice for telling Bella about the powers of vamp venom. Bella doesn't want to always be the damsel in distress, and I can understand that. She wants to be just as powerful as Eddie. Of course, this is a slippery slope, because if she becomes a vamp, then Jessica will want to be transformed as well. And then Mike will want in on the vampire fun and the trend will spread faster than Ugg boots.

But Edward says he won't turn her into a vampire. He's worried she wouldn't be able to handle the pain. When she argues that she's a tough cookie, he asks what she would do about her parents. She doesn't care what her parents think.

Part of me thinks Edward isn't eager to transform Bella because if she was a vampire, who would he stare at during the night? Jessica? Eric? That girl whose name I thought was Peaches? Plus, he likes to be tough and strong, but if Bella were a vampire too, he would seem average. He would spend most of the time desperately trying to find new ways to one-up her, saying things such as, "So what if you can lift a car over your head. Can you play piano? I can! I can also give you a firsthand account of The Great Depression. Let's see you do that, Vampire-Bella! And I liked Radiohead way before everyone else did. So there!"

Edward still refuses to transform Bella, and she wonders what will happen when she gets old. Will he still love her? He says getting old is a part of life. It's natural to get old. Being a vampire is not natural. Because Edward is refusing to turn her into a vampire, she threatens to ask her new BFF Alice to do the honors.

This angers Edward. It seems that Alice has already seen a future in which Bella is a vampire. But Edward says that Alice can be wrong. They bicker a while longer. He says she needs to take some pain medicine, but she doesn't want any. He reassures her that he won't leave, and that she has nothing to fear.

This is frustrating because a few pages ago he told her that she had lots to fear because being with him puts her in danger. Now, under the same circumstances, she has nothing to fear. It's like telling someone, "Don't lick an electrical outlet because it's dangerous," and then moments later you say, "If you lick electrical outlets, you will have nothing to fear." So confusing.

The nurse comes in and gives Bella some medicine. She gets drowsy, and asks Edward to stay. He says he will, which is obvious, because where else would he go? Before passing out from the meds, Bella says she's sure that Alice was right, and one day she will become a vampire.

This ends the book, but there's an Epilogue. And then…acknowledgments, which is where I hope all the action and scares are hiding.

Predictions:
Edward finally agrees to turn Bella into a vampire, but Bella must understand that this counts as both her birthday and Christmas presents. Bella squeals with delight, but come Christmas morning, she's a little disappointed that she didn't get that heart-shaped necklace she was hinting about.

Part 21

Chapter Twenty-Three

For a change of pace, let's talk about whatdoesn't happen in this brief chapter:
There are no fights. There are no swords, or nunchucks, or helicopters armed with mini-guns. Edward doesn't fling throwing stars. No one does an elbow drop off a chandelier. Emmett doesn't burst into the studio armed with a flame thrower (though you know he wanted to). No one is picked up by the throat and flung into a ceiling fan. Esme doesn't run off of Emmett's back, launching into a flying kick that connects directly with James's face. There is no chase scene in the maze-like basement/boiler room of the ballet studio. Alice doesn't throw a James through a plate glass window. Carlisle and James do not fight on top of a moving train. And no one screams, "Let me introduce you to the Cullen Clobber!" while wearing black face paint and wielding a sledgehammer.

Instead, Bella wakes up from the attack surrounded by the Cullens. All of the action happened while she was passed out. She has some vamp venom in her system and Edward must suck it out. To some, this may seem thrilling and tense. But I couldn't care less.

I'm angry. How the vampire battle went down is not discussed. I understand that the story is told from Bella's point of view, but Meyers' refusal to show us the fight is a slap in the face. Maybe I picked up the PG-rated version of Twilight, and the real fight is included in the R-rated copy...which also includes the unnecessary, but artistically done chapter entitled, "Showers and Hula-Hoops."

Prediction: The next chapter begins a year later with Edward saying, "Wow. What a year we had. I fought those zombies. Emmett became president. Esme time-traveled to WWII and fought the Germans. Carlisle cloned a Pterodactyl, and then battled it. And Alice became a robot. But enough about that, let's talk about forbidden love for fifty-five pages."

Part 20

Chapter Twenty-Two
For about 400 pages, this novel was a bit boring. Then, faster than you could say "plot," a cross-country chase began, and mothers were held hostage. It's tough to keep everything straight. Here's what I think is going on:

Bella is still waiting in the hotel room with Alice. Soon, the girls and Jasper will head out to the airport, where Edward, Emmett, and Carlisle will arrive to escort Bella to a new hiding spot. She plans to run away from the Cullens at the airport, go meet James, and give her life to protect everyone else. Victoria is...doing something evil, presumably. (Maybe she's killing children or recommending Bride Wars to people at the video store.)

I know I stressed this point before, but you have six vampires—including one who is so in love with Bella that he would rip out his own uvula to protect her—up against one cheesy, over-dramatic baddie. Why don't the vamps just go after James instead of all the sneaking around? It doesn't make sense. I understand that Bella's mom is in danger, but surely a battle plan could be worked out that would save everyone and destroy the evil James. Are the Cullens really this weak?

While waiting in the hotel room, Alice suddenly acts mysterious. She's getting another vision from the future, this one involving Bella in the mystery room. Jasper returns and Alice snaps out of it. She offers Bella some breakfast, but Bella says she'd rather eat at the airport. She senses that Alice wants her to leave the room. Alice needs to tell Jasper some bad news, and doesn't want Bella around to hear it. When Bella leaves, I assume Alice whispers to Jasper, "Bella's going to die and the parents from Jon and Kate Plus Eight will file for divorce in the summer of 2009. So sad. Don't tell Bella. She loves that show."

By seven in the morning, they are heading out to the airport, in the daylight. On the ride there, Bella asks how Alice's superpower works. Alice says she can only see the future once someone has made a decision. So she can't tell if you will win the lottery unless you decide to win the lottery. (Which I have.) The future that Alice sees is not definite, because new decisions can be made before the outcome is reached. This explains why Alice didn't see Bella in the spooky VCR room with James until Bella decided to go to him.

They arrive at the airport and park in the garage. Alice and Jasper look at the departure board to find a good flight for Bella to leave on.

Maybe people in Arizona sparkle all the time. How else could a group of shimmering vampires arrive at the airport without getting odd looks? If you've ever been to an airport, you know that most of the walls consist of huge windows overlooking the runway, so it would be tough to avoid the sun. But I've never been to the airport in Phoenix; perhaps it's underground, underwater, or hidden under drop cloths.

Alice and Jasper keep a close eye on Bella, and Bella gives Alice the note she wrote a few hours ago. After waiting for Edward's plane, Bella realizes she only has 30 minutes to escape before he arrives and hauls her off to the hiding place. If she's ever going to save her mom, she needs to leave Alice and Jasper quickly.

She says she wants to get breakfast, and Alice jumps at the chance to accompany her. But Bella rejects this idea, saying it would be better if Jasper came instead because he can calm her down. Jasper escorts her past a few food stands. The sneaky Bella then says she needs to use the women's room. She's familiar enough with this airport to know that the bathroom has two entrances, and she runs through the restroom to get out the other side before Jasper realizes he's been tricked.

She darts through the airport and finally makes her way outside, where she hops into a hotel shuttle. At the hotel, she jumps into a cab, gives the cabbie $80, and tells him to drive to her mom's house.

On the way, she fantasizes about what life would be like if she went away with Edward forever. She dreams about spending the rest of her days with him in some faraway place where no one would find them. Of course, if she did end up with Edward, she would eventually realize that living together won't always be magical. Like every couple, the two would get on each other's nerves and start arguing:

BELLA: But I did the dishes last night!
EDWARD: I don't see why I need to do the dishes. I don't even use dishes!
BELLA: Oh, believe me, I know all about your diet. Waking up to bear breath in the morning lost its charm years ago.
EDWARD: You used to love my breath. I can't take this. I'm going out for a while.
BELLA: Fine. Go make out with your sister.
EDWARD: Stop it. We're just friends. Rosalie means nothing to me.
BELLA: Then why does she always comment on your Facebook page?
EDWARD: I can't control that. She does what she wants. You want me to not be friends with my sister?
BELLA: I should have married Eric.
EDWARD: I can't talk to you when you're like this. Emmett's waiting for me. We're going to get a pig drunk and then drink its blood to get a buzz. We done here?
BELLA: You tell me, Eddie. You tell me.

The cab driver pulls up to Bella's house, and she rushes inside to find the phone number left by James. She dials it, and James answers. She asks if her mother is OK, and James assures her that Renee will be just fine as long as Bella follows his instructions. He tells her to go to the ballet studio, and she runs out the door.

I'm not a villain, so it's unfair of me to criticize James. But why didn't he just ambush her at the house? What's so important about this ballet studio? When Bella gets there, I assume she'll find a note that says, "Go to the Eiffel Tower two moons from now. Unlock the puzzle box to find the next clue. Hint: The red crow dines on alabaster. Be seeing you..."

Bella thinks about her mom while sprinting to the ballet studio, and wishes she were back home in Forks. She enters the abandoned studio. She can hear her mom's voice and runs towards it only to realize that she's actually hearing a recording of her mom talking.

It turns out that James enjoys tricking people. Bella's mom was safe this whole time in Florida, and James just used a clip from an old home movie to lure Bella. She is relieved to know that her mom is fine, but still plans on sacrificing herself to save everyone else. With her mind made up, she no longer feels anxious and scared, but confident. James asks if Edward will avenge her death, and she says she told him to stay away. Apparently she thinks she's the boss of Edward. (All the more reason why living together will end badly.)

James says killing Bella is too easy. He was expecting Edward to show up and try to save her. This guy really enjoys a challenge. He goes on and on for a few paragraphs about how evil and tricky he and Victoria are. He explains how he tracked Bella to Phoenix with Vickie's help. He's like a James Bond villain, filling in all the information we need in order to understand how he got there. But to be honest, I don't really care how he got there, and just assumed he used his vampire powers or an iPhone app to track her down.

He then tells Bella that his goal wasn't to simply kill her, but to kill Edward, too. He wants a vampire fight (as do we all) and thought that Edward was sure to try and rescue Bella. He plans on torturing Bella to death to send Edward a message. James wants to make the suffering lasts as long as possible and plans to videotape the whole thing for Edward.

It seems that James hates vampires who hang out with humans. A long time ago, he was about to kill a young woman, but another vampire stopped him, and transformed that woman into a vampire before James could drink her blood. Before becoming a vampire, this woman was living in an asylum because she had visions and everyone thought she was nuts. That woman (are you sitting down?) was Alice. (You can stand up again.) So this attack on Bella is more personal than expected.

James says once he's done with Bella, he will call Edward and tell him where to find her body. Bella is frozen with terror. She was willing to die, but torture is a different matter. James looks at her with a creepy, big smile as he thinks about all the ways to torment her. If he's smart, he will know how to really make Bella suffer: Force her to play volleyball while dancing.

Bella finally gathers up enough courage to make a run for it, but James is much too fast. He trips her and her head smashes into one of the many mirrors. Now I understand why James picked the ballet studio for his confrontation: It's more dramatic and atmospheric. Other choices he probably considered for the main event:

• Abandoned doll factory
• Abandoned amusement park
• Abandoned mannequin repair facility
• Post-apocalyptic White House
• Shoe store that doesn't get much business so everyone there seems sad
• Warehouse that stores old recordings of children laughing.

The injured Bella tries to crawl to the door. James breaks her leg and knocks her into more mirrors. She notices her wounds are bleeding, and he senses the blood. He gets his hungry eyes, and Bella is glad, because this means his appetite won't allow him to draw out the torture.

She in bad shape. This must be the scene mentioned in the prologue. The hunter approaches poor Bella, and her last line of defense is to hold up her hands to protect her face. She closes her eyes, and the chapter ends.

Predictions: Bella opens her eyes, and James tells her that Carlisle is actually his father. Quite the coincidence, huh? Also, Esme was his step-mom, and Emmett and James went to the same elementary school, but they never really hung out. Also Jasper sold James his first pair of rollerblades and Rosalie and James are the same person. See, everyone's connected. It's just like LOST.

Part 19

Chapter Twenty-One

I guess Bella doesn't have to go to school any more, because it's been about fifteen months since she last attended class. She's still hiding out at a hotel in Phoenix with Jasper and Alice. She's also turning into a bit of a night owl, sleeping most of the day and waking up at two in the morning.

Bella rolls out of bed and walks to the front room, where Jasper is staring at Alice as she sketches something. I wonder if Alice sketches all of her premonitions, even the unimportant ones. Maybe she has a book filled with drawings that predict what shirt Jasper will wear tomorrow or if Bella will eat the coleslaw that came with her sandwich.

Alice had a new vision of James, the e-vamp, visiting a room that's different from the ballet studio. As Alice describes this new room, Bella recognizes the drawing. It's her mom's house! Alice rushes to the phone to tell Carlisle the new information. For some reason, no one feels the need to call Bella's mom, or perhaps the police. At the very least, they should send her mom a text that reads, "dont go home. Vamp4res. youwill die. CU L8R."

Alice tells Bella that Carlisle, Emmett, and Edward will fly down to Phoenix to take Bella someplace safe. Just when you thought their plan was convoluted enough, now they're going to take Bella from her original hiding place and put her into a new hiding place.

Bella is worried about her mother's safety. Alice and Jasper promise to protect the former Mrs. Swan, and Bella freaks out, saying that it's impossible to protect everyone. Even if they manage to keep her mom safe, James will just go after someone or something else that Bella cares about, like her friend Jessica, or Edward's cool, smelly jacket.

Alice says, "We'll catch him, Bella." And yet, they could have caught and killed James a few days ago in the baseball field. Or later that day outside Bella's dad's house. If, in the end, they just want to kill James, their whole plan makes no sense at all. I'm glad the Cullens aren't firefighters, because they would probably let a raging forest fire burn for a few weeks before deciding to put it out. I can't tell if this family is stupid, lazy, or both.

Jasper uses his emo-powers to make Bella feel tired. And she gets angry. She storms into the other room and cries for a few hours. She's excited that Edward is coming to save her, but still worried about her mom and dad. Plus, during the past 300 pages, no one has asked her out, and she's probably upset about that.

Bella hears the phone ring and heads back out into the front room. (Probably hoping it's the persistent Mike looking for a date.)

Actually, Carlisle called and told Alice that the Cullens are boarding a plane and will arrive in Phoenix at 9:45. In the morning? How can they fly on an airplane during the day without glittering? Even if it's cloudy in arid Phoenix, AZ, airplanes fly above the clouds, meaning that the vamps will be in direct sunlight, unless they cover themselves with blankets, hats, masks, and parasols. Or maybe they board the plane in suits of armor to avoid arousing suspicion. Or they are taken onboard in oversized dog carriers. Or Stephenie Meyer doesn't want us asking too many questions.

Alice tells Bella that Jasper went to check out of the hotel, because after Edward takes Bella to hiding spot number two, Alice and Jasper will go to a hotel closer to Bella's mom's house. The phone rings again, and Alice hands the phone to Bella. Bella's mom is on the other end, frantically saying, "Bella? Bella?" Then another voice breaks in. It's e-vamp James! He warns Bella not to say anything stupid. He doesn't want Alice to know who Bella is really talking to, so he makes Bella pretend that her mom is still on the phone.

As Bella complies, James says he doesn't want to hurt her mom, but will do so if Bella doesn't follow his instructions. He wants Bella to ditch her vampire friends and go to her mom's house alone. Bella says that's impossible, because the Cullens won't let her out of their sight. But then she remembers that they will be going to the airport. Perhaps she can run away from them there, and pick up a giant Toblerone candy bar as her last meal while she's at it.

She agrees. James tells her to look for a phone number he will leave at her mom's house, and call that number before noon. He doesn't want any trouble from the Cullens, and says he will hurt Bella's mom if Bella tries to do anything stupid. Suddenly, Twilight has become a bad episode of 24. (Just kidding. All episodes of 24 are bad.)

The phone call has upset Bella, and she's worried that Alice will suspect something, or that Jasper will be able to feel her panicked emotions. She tells herself that if giving up her life to James will end this madness and keep her parents and the Cullens safe, then it will be worth it. Bella thinks this is her only option. I have another option: she could dress up Eric in drag, rub her stinky blood all over him, and send him into the spooky ballet studio. Then, when James attacks Eric, Bella can drop a net on him and haul him to the vampire cops (or Vops, for short).

She tries to ignore the terror she's feeling and walks back out into the room where Alice is waiting. So far, Alice doesn't suspect that Bella plans on running away. Bella tells Alice that she wants to leave a note for her mom, and asks that Alice deliver it later. Bella sits down, but instead of writing to her mom, she writes a secret love letter to Eddie.

In the note, she apologizes for going to James and says she hopes Edward won't come after her. I imagine Edward will read the note and say to himself, "Well, Bella doesn't want me to save her. So I better just let her die. Anypoop, I wonder if tonight's Groomer Has It is a rerun..."

Prediction: On the plane to Phoenix, Carlisle must deal with an angry Emmett who whines, "Edward's hogging the Nintendo DS! It's not fair! He had, like, three turns, and he played my guy!" Carlisle attempts to calm him by saying, "Emmett, when your forbidden love is in danger, you'll get to play extra on the DS. Here, why don't we play travel Battleship? I'll even let you place your ships diagonally." Emmett dons his sailor hat and happily whips out the game.

Part 18

Chapter Twenty

Bella wakes up in a strange hotel room. She looks around, trying to get her bearings, and begins to piece together what happened the previous day. She vaguely remembers driving in the well-tinted Mercedes, sitting in the back seat with Alice as Jasper drove fast. Am I the only one picking up some sexual tension between Alice and Bella? Alice carried her to the car before leaving, and sat in the backseat with her on the trip to Phoenix. Hmm.

Bella goes over the events that led her to this road trip: The tracker. Edward getting angry. Her fake fight with her dad. Saying goodbye to Edward. Leaving with Alice and Jasper. The way Emmett fought that T-Rex. (OK, that last one was just my recollection of the events.)

She knows Jasper made the trip to Phoenix in a single day. And they're staying near the airport in case they need to fly out quickly. Then Bella's memory fades. She gets out of bed and walks to the hotel window to see that it's dark outside. She is still wearing Esme's clothes and is about to change when Alice (conveniently) pops in.

They talk for a bit and Alice says she had some food brought up. Before they left Forks, the fatherly Edward reminded her that Bella needs to eat food more often than vampires do. That conversation probably went something like this:

EDWARD: Alice, take care of my Bella. Remember, she needs to eat food. And make sure she brushes her teeth. Keep an eye on her, because sometimes she just brushes her tongue. She might tell you that she's allowed to eat two bowls of ice cream. Don't fall for it. She's allowed ONE bowl, and only if she eats her carrots. At bedtime, she'll try to stay up later by begging you, "Let me just watch this show until the next commercial." But be strict. And don't forget that she likes her sandwiches cut diagonally, without crusts, and she needs to breathe air.

Bella goes into the front room, where Jasper is staring at the TV. She picks at the food, but is too worried to eat. She says Alice and Jasper sit still, like statues. She asks what the game plan is, and Alice says they need to wait for Carlisle to call. Since he hasn't called yet, Bella is scared.

Jasper tries to soothe her by saying everything will be all right. But Bella doesn't buy that. She freaks out and says that if anything happens to the Cullens, it will be all her fault. And she's right about that.

Jasper says the family won't let anything happen to her. She wonders why this group of vampires is being so nice to her, and Alice explains that they're happy Edward finally found someone to love. Bella has changed him for the better. They can't imagine what would happen if any harm came to her. I imagine Edward would get even moodier and completely ruin Thanksgiving with his grumpy attitude, so it's no wonder that his family wants to keep Bella safe.

Alice's words ease Bella's guilty conscience slightly. They remain inside the hotel room, staring at the TV and doing absolutely nothing. It's situations like this that make me happy to know I have blackjack and a demo version of Bowling on my cell phone if I ever get bored.

Bella says that Alice and Jasper are better at dealing with waiting than she is, which might be due to their long lifespan. For hundreds of years, they've done nothing but sit around eating bears and going to high school. Hanging out in a hotel room for one day is a breeze after their life of boredom.

Bella decides to go back to bed because there's nothing else to do. Alice follows her. (Again, my romance radar is tingling!) Bella can't sleep, so she decides to ask Alice what the others are doing. Alice says that Carlisle wanted to lead James north and then ambush him (or let Santa Claus handle it), while Esme was going to lure Victoria west.

If Victoria gave up on the chase, Esme and Rosalie would go back to Forks and watch over Charlie. Since Carlisle hasn't called yet, Alice thinks things are going as planned, and they can't call because it would give away their position. So all they can do is wait and remind the reader what's happening.

Then Bella asks Alice a burning question: How did you become a vampire? In the world of vamps, this query might be a nice icebreaker at parties. On the other hand, maybe it's something you should never say out loud to a vamp, just as you would never ask a human, "How did you get so fat?" or "What's the deal with that thing under your eye?" But Alice doesn't shy away from the question.

Alice says Edward warned her not to tell Bella. But since Alice is seemingly flirting with Bella, she doesn't mind telling, although she doesn't quite remember how it happened. According to Alice, along with all their super powers, vampires are also equipped with venom that incapacitates a victim once s/he is bitten. She says this venom isn't really crucial, since if a vampire is close enough to bite, his victim doesn't stand much of a chance anyway. It's like a shark that tickles you into submission before biting your head off; unnecessary, but kind of interesting.

The venom doesn't kill you. It just spreads throughout your body, causing severe pain. Depending on where you were bitten, the venom can slowly transform you into a vampire...as long as the vampire biting you decides to let you live. This doesn't happen often because vampires are insatiable and can't stop drinking blood once they start. To put this in perspective, it's probably a lot like eating a Kit-Kat. I dare you to buy a Kit-Kat and only eat one bar. If you tell me you can do that, you are an absolute liar and I don't want you coming to my birthday party, liar.

So Alice thinks this venom transformed her into a vampire, but she doesn't remember the intense pain and suffering that comes with the transformation. Since that pain is usually a vampire's first memory, Alice's situation is unique. Maybe she isn't a vampire at all, but just a weird girl who doesn't age, like Christina Ricci.

The two girls sit in silence for a while, without having a pillow fight, tickle fight, or playing Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board. This is the worst slumber party ever. Then Alice breaks the silence, not by suggesting they practice kissing, but by saying she just got a flash from the future.

In her mind, Alice sees a mirrored room with a gold line running around it. James, the tracker, has changed his plans. He is no longer following Carlisle, Edward, and Emmett, and instead will be heading to this mystery room. In Alice's vision there is a TV and a VCR in this room. (For those who don't know, a VCR was a type of movie player that used giant, 7-pound cassettes and ran on steam power).

Just then, Carlisle calls Alice, and she tells him that the plans have changed. James has stopped following the vampires and boarded a plane. The idea that the most powerful, magical beings on the planet need to use commercial airlines to travel is absurd. It's like finding out that leprechauns need to pay taxes or ghosts need to take elevators.

Alice then hands the phone to Bella. Edward is on the line. He says that Esme is guarding Charlie back in Forks, and that Victoria is looking for Bella there, but won't be able to pick up the scent. They say goodbye, and Bella notices that Alice is sketching the mirrored room from her vision.

Bella recognizes the sketch as a ballet studio, and except for the TV and VCR, it looks like the one she went to as a child, right here in Phoenix. But she can't be certain that it's the same place, since most ballet studios probably look the same. Still, it might be the same place. (I'll bet $40 bajillion that it is the same place.)

If James is heading to Phoenix, Bella wants to warn her mother, who might have returned from Florida by now. She uses Alice's cell phone to leave a message for her mom to call her immediately. She then picks at some fruit and watches Alice and Jasper stare at the TV. Bella finally falls asleep, and Alice carries her to bed.

Predictions: Bella wakes up when Alice begins to give her a sensual back rub. Alice breaks the awkward moment by saying, "Want to see if I'm ticklish?"

Part 17

Chapter Nineteen
Bella, Alice, Emmett, and Edward arrive at Bella's home to begin the elaborate plot that will somehow keep her safe from the clutches of the evil James. Before heading inside, she feels a bit emotional about leaving Emmett, even though she hardly spoke to him. She will be going into hiding with Jasper and Alice, and may never see Emmett again. She can't even comprehend saying adios to Edward.

When the time finally comes for her to say goodbye, she will probably cry so hard tears will shoot out of her ears and gums. It's going to be worse then a final episode of The Real World, when everyone says they will stay in touch (but we all know they never will), while a sad, poignant pop song plays in the background. I'm not looking forward to that.

Bella tells Edward that she loves him, and he says she has nothing to worry about because everything will work out in the end. This is a change of pace from Edward's usual "You will die if you hold my hand" speeches. The plan is for Bella to tell Charlie that she's going back to Phoenix. She will gather up a few things and then leave quickly. As she's about to go inside, she tells Edward to ignore whatever she tells her dad.

She then storms into the house and tells a confused Charlie to leave her alone. She tells him that she broke up with Edward because she can't live in this small town anymore, wasting her life away like her mother did. That's a low blow, but it's a good way to get Charlie to shut up and let her go. I just hope she buys him a decent Father's Day gift to make up for this, like an iPhone, Best Buy gift card, or two iPhones.

Charlie is stunned and isn't sure what to do. Bella says she's leaving for Phoenix tonight, and will use her key to get inside her mom's house. (Her mom is still away with Phil in Florida.) Charlie says that she should stay in Forks for a week. By then, her mom might be back in Phoenix, because it turns out that Phil isn't having much luck in Florida. The news that her mom may return to Phoenix stuns Bella a bit, but she's still determined to leave the house.

She packs her stuff with Edward's help (he snuck in through the window), then leaves, telling her dad, "I really, really hate Forks!" Once in her truck, Edward offers to drive. The chauvinist doesn't like the idea of a woman driving. He gets behind the wheel and they head to the Cullen house, where I assume Carlisle and Laurent are laying belly-down on the living room floor, listening to records and prank-calling werewolves.

Edward tells her that James can outrun them in Bella's slow truck. Alice and Emmett pull up in the Jeep. Edward says everything will be fine, but she doesn't want to leave him. He tells her they will be together in a few days. Of course, if they just killed James right away, they wouldn't have this problem. But that would be too easy, too interesting, and too much fun to read about.

Bella asks why James is so hungry for her, while the other two bad vamps didn't seem so determined to kill her. Edward explains that James loves a challenge. To him, killing Bella is like a game, and the fact that she's being protected makes the game more fun to play. That's not true. Making a game more difficult does not make it more fun, as anyone who's tried to play Scrabble with only vowels and Q's can attest.

Perhaps I'm just lazy, but if I was really hungry for a pretzel, and a group of tough guys were guarding that pretzel, I'd probably just go eat some chips instead. In other words, James should go kill Jessica, or Mike, or Eric, or that other girl from earlier in the book that everyone, including me, has forgotten about. (I want to say her name was Abbey or Peaches, but that just doesn't sound right.)

Bella finally asks how to kill a vampire, and Edward says you need to rip it to shreds and then burn the remains. Which is also the only way you can kill baby elephants. Don't ask how I know this, because you won't like the answer.

Edward says that Victoria, the female baddie, will fight on James's side should it come down to a battle, but he's not sure where Laurent's loyalties lie. They arrive at the Cullen home and go inside. Laurent is there, and Edward says that James is hunting Bella. Laurent doesn't seem surprised and he apologizes for James' actions. Apparently James is a naughty boy.

We then learn that James is the leader of this group, not Laurent. They just made it seem like Laurent was in charge to trick the Cullens, and me (jerks). Edward roars, and Laurent says that he's going to stay out of this fight and head to the family of vampires in Denali. He leaves, and Esme activates steel shutters on all the windows because the Cullens are all wimps (except my boy, Emmett).

Edward says that once Bella is away, they will hunt down James. Carlisle reluctantly agrees that there is no other way. Edward tells Bella to swap clothes with Rosalie to throw James off the scent. Rosalie acts like a spoiled rich kid; she doesn't think she should have to help Bella to safety. Though it's not mentioned in the book, Rosalie then demands Carlisle gives her a pony and an Oompa Loompa for her birthday.

Esme steps in and rushes Bella upstairs to change. After a few quick alterations, Bella is wearing Esme's clothes and is ready to go. Carlisle hands out cell phones to Alice and Emse. Rosalie and Esme leave in Bella's truck, hoping to lure Victoria away. Meanwhile Bella, Jasper, and Alice will leave in the Mercedes, heading south. And Carlisle, Emmett, and Edward will go hunting after James. So instead of sticking together, and outnumbering the two bad vampires, these geniuses think it's a better idea to split up. Besides being torn to pieces and burned, vampires' only weakness is their ability to make horrible yet elaborate plans.

Before the departures, I was expecting a few dozen pages of dialogue about danger and love, but Edward says goodbye with a quick kiss. He leaves with Carlisle and Emmett. Moments later, he calls Alice's cell phone and says Victoria is following Esme, so the coast is clear to move Bella out.

Alice goes to get the Mercedes ready, leaving Bella alone with Jasper. Jasper, feeling her emotions, says she's wrong to think that she is not worth all this protection. I'm not sure what type of character Jasper is. He seems nice, but there's something weird about him, like a cousin who goes missing for a few months, and then shows up and refuses to talk about what happened.

Alice returns and asks if it's okay if she carries Bella to the car. Bella says sure, and is glad that someone asked her permission for a change. Why would Alice need to carry Bella? Did they get married when I wasn't looking?

Predictions: To make the hunt even harder, James decides to put a blindfold on, spin around a baseball bat until he becomes very dizzy, and then chase after Bella while balancing an egg on a plastic spoon.